What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? (Author: Kate Inglis)
Oh! to be the girl with the forever smile; to rid myself of the deep wrinkles between my eyebrows and greet the world daily with composure and grace…. Everything, you see, is decidedly NOT okay in my world. My default face is consternation and my stomach? A mass of knots and bile. I’m the first born, an Aries, weighed down in reality and anchored by responsibility. For every third person professing that “things will just work out” there is one of me, toiling behind the scenes, knowing that IT WILL NOT! and pulling the strings to avert disaster.
I KNOW, to my very base fiber, that it is best to expect the worst and to be prepared for the next shower of bullets. I am a naysayer, a doomsday portent, a harbinger of reckoning. For every small beauty, for every sigh of pleasure and each belly laugh, there are scores of needling sorrows raining down to remind of the natural balance. I know this empirically, with the certainty of experience. I have a closet full of the “other shoes” and a face full of contusions from their rapid descent.
“Alright” is a relative term, you see. It’s Above Ground, Still Breathing, Possessed of All My Fingers and Toes. To be any other way would be completely foreign. Foreign, but completely longed for. I am consistently amazed by people who are able to keep to the sunny side: My brother N, who, while paratrooping his way through Afghanistan can maintain that we are all a part of the fabric of time, that the universe has a plan and that plan is right and purposeful. My girlfriend M, who, though mucking her way through a divorce and other painful decisions is devoted to her smile with a buoyancy that’s terribly rare. Even CV, who has recently defriended me, never ceased to amaze me with her ability to remain civil in situations that would have me in jail for assault.
I am simply not that person. I am wed to the Truth (big T) and prefer cold, hard FACT to wishful thinking. I know that the winds will change direction if I get too comfortable. I feel, so heavily, that somehow, my life is a crux on which teeters a scale of good and bad. To feel differently, or to change my attitude, is to tempt fate and laugh at the Furies. Because it is so, I feel more acutely the joys of success and the pains of failure. I am keenly cognizant that good is only so because of its counterpart, bad.
So, you see, I am not acquainted with that sigh of relief, that notion that, wow, things are finally on an upswing. I know only to breathe in those winsome moments, and breathe through the terrifying. All are fleeting, and each makes way for the next.