I love a bargain.  I surely, truly do.  My heart skipped a beat when I saw my banana-creme leather Coach bucket bag peeking out of a bin at Plato’s Closet over the summer for $50.  I got a thrill last week when I visited the Bath and Body Works’ Semi-Annual Sale and got $200 worth of shower gel for $35.  I live for the days when I get an email from J Crew saying that if I act fast-TODAY!- I can receive an additional 40% of everything in the Clearance pages (Cashmere HEAVEN!).  I love expensive things, but I enjoy those luxuries sensibly.  (I did shed more than a single tear when I returned those suede multi-colored Miu Miu heels a couple years back….sure, they retailed at $850, but the $199 that I paid was still enough to keep me awake for three nights.)

Luxury cotton, 850 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets?  King size, $29.  Once a year, new Asics running kicks to forestall the inevitable shin splints?  $55.  That fabulous Tory Burch sequin dress that has finally arrived just in time for NEXT year’s holiday parties?  Well, not such a small sum on that one, but much less than the $700 retail tag at Neiman Marcus.  I believe in quality, and not quantity, and being in love with the few things that I do own.

That said, I realized today that there are certain things that you should never buy off of a clearance rack.  Lasik Surgery probably heads that list.  I’m not sure that’s a service I’d be comfortable bargain shopping for.  If his name is Jim-Bob and he’s wielding a laser scalpel around my cornea, I think I might pass, even if I have found a Buy One Eye, Get the Other Eye Half Off coupon.  Same applies to vasectomies….(Get it?  Buy One, Get One?)

Next up is Grape Nuts cereal.  I am a big fan.  I love it hot or cold, the crunch and nuttiness is pretty damn awesome.  Toss a few blueberries in and WHAMMO!  You’ve got a near perfect breakfast/snack/anytime you’re hungry food.  Grape Nuts?  Awesome.  Generic, store brand, discounted Raisin Legumes?  GROSS.  They disintegrate when they come into contact with liquid and all you’re left with is a gritty, brown slurry that tastes like damp cardboard.  In this case, pay full price.  Unless you have a bathroom to wallpaper and you’ve forgotten the paste….

Other examples include birth control (sure, you saved $15 this month, but I really think that this is the type of product that has an expiration date for a reason….), Brazilian waxes (vagina jihad, anyone?), hair services (Honey, there is nothing Super about that Cut!) and Day Care (are you really willing to wager your children’s future for background checks and certifications?)

All of that brings me to today’s point.  On Tuesday, I was in Safeway and I spied the Clearance section of the meat department.  There, in all of it’s glory, was a 17 pound, free range turkey with a 75% off sticker emblazoned on the front left breast.  In the simple math that even I’m capable of performing, that meant $8.  Eight Dollars!  For a free range turkey!

I was excited because the Old Man and I were alone this past Thanksgiving.  We were alone, and I couldn’t justify spending an obnoxious sum on all the fixings for a Thanksgiving dinner for two.  So we went to Famous Dave’s, a chain BBQ joint instead.  They were the only restaurant open that night serving some semblance of a traditional Turkey-day meal.  The meal was mediocre at best and it barely did the job of sating my appetite for all those things I love.  So, when I saw this turkey, this beautiful turkey, going for a song, I tossed it in the basket and planned for New Years Dinner Thanksgiving Redux.  The ‘sell-by’ date was the 31st, so I’d be able to cook it in plenty of time.  For three days, I dreamed of that turkey.  I looked forward to the giblet gravy.  I planned on putting dried cranberries into the stuffing (dressing?) and eating the leftovers in a gluttony of sandwiches and potpies and casseroles and stews.  I could see that bird and fairly taste it, steaming and golden brown on my table.  I was excited.

But it was not to be so.

When I opened the plastic wrapping , out crept a fetid stench so vile I was worried for a second that my hangover was attempting a second coming.  It wafted up and forced its way into my nasal cavity, burning the protective hairs and embedding itself in the mucosal lining.  The Old Man looked at me, and I looked at him and he silently lifted the waste bin up to the level of the sink.  Without a word, I dropped that 17 pound bird into the bin and he walked it right out to the complex dumpster; all dreams of a juicy bird with crispy skin dashed among the rocks of my stinginess.  Even now, hours later, I’m mourning its loss.  Writing to you about it rather than something more IMPORTANT.

Yes, friends, meat is expensive.  Organically grown meat even more so.  But even though I saved $30, I still wasted $8 and have nothing to show for it.  It’s true, so true:  You only cry once when you buy quality.

Blast and drat.

The turkey was bad.

Its smell destined for garbage,

And not my table.


22 thoughts on “A Dirge, or, Things You Should Never Buy On Sale

    1. That term was coined when I decided I wanted to save $75 a month by doing my Brazilians at home. It became very clear, very quickly that doing so required dexterity I did not possess. It became clear soon after that the Old Man, whose help I enlisted, had no business going anywhere near a pot of wax. Twat Fatwa. (TM)

  1. Living in SoCal, I see a lot of those two-fer-one boob jobs. Tempting, but really? Laughed so hard I am al ll teary – so good! Grapenuts = awesome.

    Sorry the turkey didn’t work out, but what a great lesson learned!

    Happy new year

  2. *gag* I am so squeamish about uncooked poulty…this just about sealed it for me! I love to cook, but I REALLY don’t like handling uncooked meat OR poulty. My imagination runs amuck, and I start thinking the whole uncooked flesh thing. It’s really a wonder I’m not a vegetarian. But, I likes me some turkey, and I look forward to Thanksgiving all year long. If I had opened up a package like your Tom…gaaah! I’m sort of glad that you didn’t have this happen on Thanksgiving Day. I wouldn’t have been able to eat my mom’s lovingly brined, carefully roasted bird. The visual, and the sensory description of the smell…Lord. Thank goodness I have a whole year to get that out of my head. Here’s hoping you can do the same!

  3. WTF is it with Grape Nuts?! There are no grapes in the box. Not shockingly, there are no nuts either. Sorry about the turkey, there are few things worse than being on the verge of satisfying a craving only to have it go all to hell. But seriously, WTF is with calling it Grape Nuts?

  4. :(:(:( When you are craving something and looking forward to it for a while and it doesn’t work out, it’s enough to send you into a full on tantrum. I’m reminded of a certain tub of ice cream that a certain ex-boyfriend ate while I was at work. To come home and find it gone… well, he’s an ex for a reason. You don’t fuck with my ice cream. Or chocolate.

    So sorry for your turkey loss. Hope you were able to salvage your New Year’s Day;)

  5. Please tell me you went back to the grocer and got your $8 back. It’s damn near painful to have a longing for something (Turkey in your case) and to have it almost within your grasp…but not quite get it. Hell, that statement is applicable to so many things in life. The $8 can go towards the supplies on one of your crafty projects…or put to better use in acquiring the fixings for a jug of Sangria!

    I love that you worked in Vagina Jihad to this post! Oh God, how I remember your FB post and the follow-on comments. For those of you that haven’t met our fabulous authoress and The Old Man…well, this gal most certainly repeated the story in amazing detail. While The Old Man just rolled his eyes at her re-telling, the rest of us in the group had tears of laughter pouring down our faces.

    Ok…and now that I’ve made my first comment on your blog (and turned it into novel length), I’ll admit to stalking your page from the start. I came to work today and got caught up in the hellish world that was waiting for me after a long holiday-weekend off. All of the sudden, 5 hours have flown by and I realize that it’s time for a lunch break (which is when I usually read your latest & greatest). What prompted me to finally respond today, was my reaction to realizing that I *gasp* hadn’t read your blog since the 30th. You see, I nearly clapped my hands in excitement like a 3 year old waiting for a special treat! I couldn’t wait to see what you had in store for me. Umm wait, I mean ‘us’ your readers.

    Well done, Sir. Well done!

    1. Well, welcome, Miss Melissa, to my little corner of the blogosphere. Someday, that story will end up in a novel, should I ever get around to writing it.

      No, I didn’t take it back. In reality, I should have cooked it the day I bought it. I knew I was running a risk in its purchase.

      Thank you for the support! Glad you enjoy it.

  6. I love a good bargain too. I need to learn to be choosier about the bargains that I spend my money on. The holes in my once worn socks speak to my pour judgment.

    Oh, how your turkey fiasco made me laugh – and wince, because it’s exactly something I would have done.

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