I would be lax if I neglected to identify and acknowledge the other side of this reproductive coin, and so, I’d like to share a secret:

In a small, brightly lit, yet out-of-the-way corner of my inner self, I quietly nurture the idea of having a daughter.  When no one is looking and I don’t have to worry about appearances, I imagine laying my hands on a fat, round belly (visible only from profile or head-on, mind you, because It will be a perfect pregnancy with no additional fat….) containing a teeny, tiny girl with dark eyes and hair patiently waiting for her grand entrance.

When she does arrive, we are two peas in a pod, and I know, each time she looks up at me in wonderment, that it is my duty to be a better person and to cultivate and nurture that astonishment, against all ravings of my inner cynic.  From the top of her perfect head, I breathe in that flushed, baby scent and am calmed, eager to give away my smiles, easier than ever in the past.  She is me, in microcosm, but with a chance at being effortlessly joyful and unburdened.

For her, I skip and thrill, and leave aside storm clouds and doom.  My hands shake no more in anxiety, for they must be steady to contain her own tiny and reaching paws.  I sing, off-key, tiny little love songs into her sleeping ears, so that, even in dreamland, she knows my hopes and love.

I imagine her, a babe-in-arms and then in front and then in backpack.  I see her in my own mother’s arms, something I share to say: “Look, we made it.”  She sits, with feet swinging behind an ancient Martin as my father teaches her tiny fingers to bang out “G-L-O-R-I-A”, re-animating a musical sense that skipped me entirely.  I see her off to kindergarten, and then to her first dance, and then college, secretly pleased that I look so good “at my age”.

She’s a little pipedream I have, in quiet moments.  When no one is looking.


17 thoughts on “On Babies; Part Deux

  1. Gorgeous. Thanks for sharing the dream. I say go for it. I’m the mother of two girls and while the whole motherhood thing drives me mad sometimes, I wouldn’t trade it.

    But I have to tell you, they’re both Daddy’s girls. In popularity, I rank somewhere after the dog and just in front of immunizations.

  2. I held my breath, reading this. You speak my heart’s language. This is all I desire as a parent, yet the darkness doesn’t disappear I feel like it intensified since I became a parent. Thankfully in short bursts, yet still right here.

    I adore your writing.

  3. Your words always move me.
    As for motherhood, you would be a fantastic mother if you choose that road. Not in spite of your supposed neuroses, but because of it.
    Waiting for your next post…

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