Out! Out! Damned Spot!! (R11#1)

One Word:  Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word.  Explain why you’re choosing that word.  Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

 

 

I came very close to blowing off this post.  Skipping it.  Or at least putting it off until tomorrow…without genuine intention to pick it up again.  There was a list, a bunch of “WHYs” and, at the top, the reality of my recent state of mind.  The spinning, whirling mess and the endless drop to the bottom.    I remembered last year’s journey and how my mostly one-sided musings circled the same two or three topics…30 days of endless loop, staring at each thing from all angles and shining the light of 360 degree surveillance on them in hopes of coming to some manner of clarity.  Some days I was rueful, others sardonic, but mostly I was optimistic: hopeful for brighter days ahead and certain that I’d taken something from those experiences to guide me forward.  It turns out those December days were postcards from the edge.

Looking down at the things circling the bowl labeled 2011, I wondered seriously if they were the types of things I should be sharing out loud.  I imagined the pity party and the well-intentioned “We’re All In This Togethers”.  Imagined post after post of maudlin mental vomit and then the subsequent nose-dive of friends and followers; people fleeing the scene of the crash to keep out from under the swirling black cloud that’s been plaguing me.

But the stark reality hit not long into The Making-Of-Excuses and I jolted to and began typing:  My bread is buttered one way only, and that is with a blunt knife.  My niche, you see, is the truth.  The Self Truth. The uncensored description of the crazy that I keep in my closet.    Why on earth would I start keeping secrets now?   I’m not published, or accomplished or professional.  I don’t have a book, or an idea for a book or a million followers.  What I do have, what I’m not lacking, is my truth and the lantern I shine on it, and I fancy that’s what keeps the few readers coming back. In the end, I may not know what’s going to come out of my mouth next, but I do know that it’s going to be as close as I can get it to The Big T.

So FUCK IT!, I say.  Fuck it, and let’s see what comes out in the wash.  In for the penny, in for the pound, and kids, Mama’s got some shit to get off her chest.

So with that, you should know that my word for 2011 is MELANCHOLY.  I had some amazing experiences and saw some extraordinary things.  I laughed out loud and fought even louder.  I took leaps and made efforts and conquered smoking (Adieu, Parliament Lights!)  But over it all, clouding the lens, peeing in my cereal, was my old friend Depression.  She’s camped out even now in the deep recesses: over a table and under a bare fluorescent bulb, wearing green fatigues and smoking those Parliaments…planning her next guerrilla attack.  Over the next 30 days, if last year is any indication, I’m going to be introducing her to you, so here’s your fair warning.  She walks around with a half-empty bottle of vodka and no makeup, and most of the time she forgets to shower.

Last year, I wanted Renaissance, but got instead, rain my parade.  I’ll be damned if I let that bitch squat where she is for another 365.  This year?  2012?  Light.  Let there be light.

Please.

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11 thoughts on “Out! Out! Damned Spot!! (R11#1)

  1. Oh, love… I spent the bulk of 2011 in a deep dark place. I understand you. I understand your place and your word choices completely. Yes, let there be much light in 2012 for both of us. To this day, I am thrilled #Reverb10 brought you into my life.

  2. I hear you. I’m under treatment for depression myself. It’s a fucking bitch kitty of a problem/disease/condition….

    And you know why the vodka bottle is only half full, right? Yup. I drank the other half.

  3. I feel as if I’ve been running from depression for a while now. If I run towards joy, it cant catch me, right? It might grab my hand or hair or something for a bit, but I’ll escape it’s clutches…

    I hope that you get your light, love. I have no doubt you will.

  4. Look. Drag that bitch out into the yard, and turn the hose on her. She is really putting a cramp in our Jen time!

    You are one if the first people that I followed through reverb10. Your posts inspire me and make me want to be a better writer. God. Pick any post this past year, and I can tell you ten things I wish I had thought of.

    I selfishly wish that you could get free of your depression, because I really look forward to reading your posts. Not only that, but you have always encouraged me & keep me on track with training for derby. I hear your “voice” telling me that it WILL get fun, and how worth it the work will be.

    I am so glad to see you in reverbia! You have been missed!

  5. I want nothing less than your truth, as much of it as you’re willing to share. The days when I edge into my own darker truths, your influence is with me, putting a little steel in my bone marrow.

    Wishing you light, as much as you want.

  6. Yes please to truth; stark and raw as it may be. That’s why we fell in love with you so please don’t change now. And if I can, I’ll shine a little light your way. Despite some happenings of this year, I have more than enough to share.

  7. The Big T. I always feel it when I read your stuff Jen. In all sincerity, I’ve enjoyed reading your posts as much as I enjoyed reading anything, all year. “Enjoyed” doesn’t really capture what I mean though. I’m not looking for more entertainment. I hunger for the Big T, yearn for it. And you deliver it, expressing yours with a fire that brings plenty of light. And that’s why you’re awesome.

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