Today’s prompt asked about impossible dreams. I nearly laughed out loud when I saw it. I don’t generally dream, you see. My sleeping mind (an endangered species itself) prefers to waver back and forth between a semi-restful, black unconsciousness, and a terrified state of nightmaring. You won’t often hear me regaling friends with stories beginning “You will not BELIEVE what I dreamed last night….” I know, I know: That’s not the nature of the question!! You’re shouting at me, I can hear from here. But you’ll hear me out for a moment, Dear Reader, and I’ll sketch a line connecting the two. I’m the slightest bit neurotic, (you might have guessed), and a little more the pessimist. My world, whether by my own coloring, or actual events, has always been a beautiful place, BUT studded on every corner with menacing possibilities for violent downfall. What I’m trying to say, is that there’s always another shoe, hurtling out of the sky, and I just don’t see the point in wearing a helmet. In my experience, dreams and ambitions have a way of being ALMOST that’s severely stunted the frequency with which I entertain them.
I just can’t seem to get out of my own way.
And so, while I considered skipping this prompt altogether, I found, instead, that I had an answer. Something that I DO wish with my whole heart. It’s not material. It has no professional connotations. It’s not a pony, or a trip around the world (although, that might fall close second).
It’s a pipe dream of the first order, but sweet? Oh how sweet it would be:
I want quiet–quiet in my head; a hush when I close my eyes. I want to lay my head down and drop to sleep without the agony of the day’s playback on repeat. I want to feel effortlessly kind, and less a fraud. I want buoyancy in place of the lead weight in my chest which I think must be my heart. I want to sigh in contentment at this day’s end, and, instead of rancid ennui, look to the next with optimism and genuine curiosity. I want pleasing things to feel pleasing, and I want to look at my world with real and unclouded joy.