The Unbeatable Foe

 

Today’s prompt asked about impossible dreams.  I nearly laughed out loud when I saw it.  I don’t generally dream, you see.  My sleeping mind (an endangered species itself) prefers to waver back and forth between a semi-restful, black unconsciousness, and a terrified state of nightmaring.  You won’t often hear me regaling friends with stories beginning “You will not BELIEVE what I dreamed last night….” I know, I know:  That’s not the nature of the question!!  You’re shouting at me, I can hear from here.  But you’ll hear me out for a moment, Dear Reader, and I’ll sketch a line connecting the two.  I’m the slightest bit neurotic, (you might have guessed), and a little more the pessimist.  My world, whether by my own coloring, or actual events, has always been a beautiful place, BUT studded on every corner with menacing possibilities for violent downfall.  What I’m trying to say, is that there’s always another shoe, hurtling out of the sky, and I just don’t see the point in wearing a helmet.  In my experience, dreams and ambitions have a way of being ALMOST that’s severely stunted the frequency with which I entertain them.

I just can’t seem to get out of my own way.

And so, while I considered skipping this prompt altogether, I found, instead, that I had an answer.  Something that I DO wish with my whole heart.  It’s not material.  It has no professional connotations.  It’s not a pony, or a trip around the world (although, that might fall close second).

It’s a pipe dream of the first order, but sweet?  Oh how sweet it would be:

I want quiet–quiet in my head; a hush when I close my eyes. I want to lay my head down and drop to sleep without the agony of the day’s playback on repeat. I want to feel effortlessly kind, and less a fraud. I want buoyancy in place of the lead weight in my chest which I think must be my heart. I want to sigh in contentment at this day’s end, and, instead of rancid ennui, look to the next with optimism and genuine curiosity. I want pleasing things to feel pleasing, and I want to look at my world with real and unclouded joy.

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12 thoughts on “The Unbeatable Foe

  1. I want to feel effortlessly kind, and less a fraud … I want pleasing things to feel pleasing, and I want to look at my world with real and unclouded joy.

    That’s some dream, and one that I can get behind. I love that it’s not professional or material, because those things are easy to attain. Well, maybe not *easy*, but certainly not impossible. This, however? This is a whole different kettle of fish.

  2. I wish that for you too. But wouldn’t that be boring? Just kidding. I’ve found meditation helpful. I’m terrible at it, and after five years, can barely manage five minutes, but trying to find space between cloudy thoughts has helped the sun shine through from time to time.

    Wishing you peace.

  3. I wish all these things for you too … although I very much doubt that you are a fraud in the slightest bit. Also, this was AWESOME: “I want buoyancy in place of the lead weight in my chest which I think must be my heart.”

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