Down To Zero*

I might just go crazy this week, if I’m not careful.   School is out for spring break and I am homebound by injury.  Three weeks into this cavalcade of crutches and I’m pretty close to despair.  I can’t remember the last time that I went this long without stepping foot into a gym, and I’m slipping slowly into madness as I daily watch all my hard won successes go to seed.

As the days wear on, my ass sinks lower, and the definition in my arms is fading.  I’ve tried very hard to curb my eating, but going from 3200 calories a day to 1200 is no easy feat, and I just don’t have the motivation to keep my hands out of that pretzel sack.  I’m back to averting my eyes from the mirror when I stand before it naked after a shower, and my “thin girl jeans” have been placed back to the bottom of the drawer in exile.

This does not a happy yawp make.

Yesterday, I gimped down to the fitness facility in my complex.  My orthopedist had okayed work on the stationary bike, (with no resistance), so I thought to get some cardio.  No such luck as 10 minutes in, my leg started aching.  I cannot fathom how I’m going to make it another FIVE weeks.

Being fit was inextricably linked to my feelings of self-worth and sex appeal.  Working out was the thing I was good at.  It kept me going.  I ran on running, thrived on plyos, gave thanks for planks.  This girl who had spent the first quarter of her life in abhorrence of herself, who had finally found a measure of pride in the fruits of her efforts, has been forced back into that world of disgust and self-loathing.  Back to square one.

 

 

*The title of this post comes from THIS song.

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5 thoughts on “Down To Zero*

  1. All in good time my friend. All in good time. The body has a remarkable memory. When you are able to get back to the gym, you’ll bounce back quickly – especially considering the shape you were in pre-injury. Use this time to your advantage. I say this with love.

    Hugs.

  2. noooooo! I hate to hear you like this. DON’T PUSH IT with your leg. You don’t want to do more damage and then be out for even longer. 1200 calories is bullshit, as I know well, and I’m sure the effects of you not exercising are nowhere near as obvious as you think they are. Hang in there, girlie. And I’m so sorry!!

  3. You are good at other things–I KNOW!–and I want to send you a big non-cheesy hug for writing this out in order to work through it. I hope you can make self-loathing your bitch and evict it. It has no business there.

  4. The thing is…you are so much more than your gym-body. You are smart, funny, snarky as hell and someone I alway enjoy reading/hearing from online.

    I know that it doesn’t help to say that you’ll be back in the gym before you know it. There’s a lot more going on, and I realize that the gym is your release valve for much of what you fight internally.

    Don’t push it…you don’t want to further the injury or delay the healing.

    In the meantime, maybe there’s a different outlet for you…some writing that you can do. We need to channel some of that amazing talent into a project. I’m selfish that way, you know!

    One of my favorite blog posts of yours was about the trip to the winery, where you ended up with that scary dude. Your verion of travel writing is excellent!

  5. God, that SUCKS! I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. I am hooked on those workout endorphins and when I’m sick and can’t get to the gym for a few days, I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.

    (For the record: I bet youhaven’t lost nearly as much of your progress as you think! You might want to look into some light boxing if possible. When my mom had foot surgery she worked with a trainer who gave her all upper body boxing routines (jabs, uppercuts, hooks, no bouncing) that did the trick until she could get back on her feet. Hang in there.)

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