So, in the wake of a rather depressing year, I found rather little to be excited about when it came to December’s inevitable Reverb prompts. I wanted so to be fired-up and enthusiastic, but am finding that exhaustion has taken over with this as well as many other little corners in my mental housing. So I’m going to pick and choose my prompts. The first I had time to answer was this one, taken from HERE. Bear with me, I’m a bit rusty and this was my first jump back into the cold water.
3. Time: Time is a valuable resource. Did you spend your time wisely this year? What can you do to cultivate more quality in your time during 2013
I’ve always been intrigued by the passage of time, the way it moves fast to slow and back again with little fanfare to herald the transition. It is fluid and jarring, a photoflash and then a warm chemical bath. We know its march, but I can vouch for the tenacity of its sprint as well. It is that marvel, that curiosity that tortures and tantalizes, alternately too much and then, not at all enough. These hands have too much on them, so it slips through the fingers.
At night, I lie awake, sleepless, confident that I haven’t done enough, that I haven’t filled my hours with quality and love. I am a waste and a drain, the unstoppered and unfillable black hole into which time suicides. Where is it going and why can’t I speak Italian?
This anxiety is replaced at the rise of the sun, when suddenly, the days stretch before me endlessly and there’s always tomorrow.
Truthfully, I am nowhere recognizable. In the dusk, I stand at the foot of each day and try and reconcile this girl on your screens now and the photograph of herself she held at 22.
This year, I got certified as a Les Mills instructor. I also fractured my leg and battled inertia. I made and then alienated friends and read enough books to populate a small community library. I helped children learn and even cultivated respect from a substantial group of hard-luck preteen zombies. And yet and still I cannot escape the certainty that this is not enough.
Not enough frequent flyer miles or arms wrapped around friends. Not enough writing or miles run or smiles tendered to strangers. Too few roaring waves and theatre seats and calories from Italian pastry and a distinct absence of peace and passion.
I wasted this time as much as I filled it; wasted its purpose and possibility and. Did I spend my time wisely? No. I squandered it and all of its mystery, disguising myself in a flurry of activity. And I knew just what I was doing.
So, once more, I find myself resolving to better; to the lustful and ravenous inhalation of experiences that fulfill those wishes of so long ago. Renewed promises rise to the surface of the bile and I almost feel like I can see the sun’s ray through the dust motes. It is easy now to declare war on all measure procrastinatory. But there is always tomorrow, and tomorrow after that….