I need to calm the fuck down; breathe in some serenity NOW–because, in this second, I am a hot, manic, vibrating MESS. There is a dull buzz under my skin and in the center of my abdomen, pushing its way to the surface and out, a symptom of the slowly sinking heart situated within. I catch myself with shoulders hunched and neck clenched, tension holding each shallow breath hostage. The inside of my skull is a mess of thoughts and To-Do lists firing themselves at fading wishes like raquet balls or nuclear fission reactions. It’s so loud in here that the noise has almost turned gray, and I have no idea what to do with my hands.
Anticipation with no relief.
Grains of sand swirling under a rip tide. Flecks of paint flaking off old clapboard siding on a house moldering to the ground over the books it houses. A spiderweb crack opening out over a windshield. I am barely contained and rapidly losing control.
In these moments by myself, I cannot stand being alone and every hair stands, stretches, reaches out for touch and scent and VOICE.
I need to settle.
To breathe down to the bottom of my pelvis and quiet the thrum and stretched sinew.
Fill the space and deaden the jangle.
This aggression will not stand, MAN….my heart might just give out.