First, let me send more than a little “shout out” to @GeekinHard for taking a little idea that started with a flippant tweet, and turning it into an ACTUAL THING with virtually no notice.   This is going to be a field day for those of us with no filter and hair triggers.  Thank you.  

DEverb; Prompt 1:

How many friends do you have on Facebook?  How many would you have if you had to hang out and interact with them regularly?  Who would be the first to go, and why?

As of press time, Facebook puts me at 216 people on the friends list, and I’m proud to say, I run a pretty tight ship.  After a glance over the smiling faces of the people I know, I’m pretty confident that I wouldn’t mind spending time with any of them regularly.  As a rule, I am pretty swift with my de-Friending.  I’m sure, Dear Reader, that you’re not surprised to learn that.  I don’t suffer fools well, so I long ago got rid of the homophobes, the closet racists and all the cunty girls with gossipy mouths bigger than their asses.  Life is too short to have to read some bullshit about the sanctity of marriage from some bitch who’s already been divorced, and, not for nothing, gave her husband herpes.  

This is not to say, however, that I don’t sometimes dream of a social cleansing.  Here’s who has to go:

1.  The Sportsball fans.  Not the ones who love a team and post about it, but the ones who take it too seriously and can’t handle good-natured joking about their teams.  The ones whose feelings ACTUALLY BREAK when they read memes written at their team’s expense.  The ones whose rage shines through if you even SUGGEST that maybe there exists a better fan somewhere, for some other team.  These people make me want to strap them to a chair and make them watch as their favorite quarterback, let’s say, Russell Wilson, gets peed on by the entire starting line-up of my Buffalo Bills.  The future comments on my Facebook wall over this assertion are already proving my point.  

2.  The Attention Whores.  You do NOT know 1,347 people on a personal level.  You know it and I know it.  You’re here because your self-worth depends upon the adulation of others and your 364 profile pictures (roughly half of which show you either half-naked or wrapping your duck lips around an imaginary dick) prove it.  

3.  The Likers.  I hate to break it to you, but that poor kid STILL has feline AIDS even though you liked and shared his photo.  Maybe next time set up a couple proxy accounts and try harder.

4.  The Compulsive Commenters.  I asked for some advice on how to best clean my dog’s ears.  You responded that one time, when you were 12, a girl you knew touched a dog’s ear and sneezed.  Thanks.  I’ll keep that in mind.  

and finally:

5.  The Arrogant Arguers.  Facebook has the potential to be a an incredible space for the spreading and sharing of ideas.  An arena where we could learn and grow from the points-of-view of others.  A kind of symposium for understanding ideas that differ from our own.  It is, instead, a forum for people to post biased and rhetorical propaganda at decibel levels so insane as to cut off rational back flow.  If your article didn’t have sources, your point is invalid.  If it came from The Onion, it is invalid, and you need a helmet for getting enraged about it.  If I can see which side the author stands on a particular issue, it isn’t a balanced publication, and you need to learn the difference between a work of journalism and an editorial.   

I’m sure that somewhere, I’m on your list for my potty mouth, or your list for my incessant snark, but this isn’t YOUR DEverb post, so suck it.


6 thoughts on “In Your Facebook

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