1. Everytime I walk past the Holiday Crystal Kiosk in the mall, I find myself fighting off a colossal urge to run past with my arms out, knocking all those tiny figurines to the ground in a melee of shattering glass. Don’t you?
2. Yes, I was upset to find that she’s de-friended me…but at the same time, secretly pleased that she’d been reading my blog.
3. I braved the mall again today to use my Sephora gift card and to its maximum with all the incredible sales. As I passed the jewelry store, I popped in to have my rings cleaned and buffed. There was a woman there, about 60, who was sitting at the glass counter, her body visibly shaking as the associate quoted her a figure for a piece of jewelry that had been her great-grandmother’s. She signed the paper and began weeping. The quote was woefully short. The ring was woefully beautiful. The money was to bail her daughter out of jail. I say: Let the bitch rot.
4. I am generally supportive of anyone and everyone who works out. Beginners and the uninitiated especially. But the woman who has no love for the concept of a personal bubble? I secretly hope she messes herself during downdog in yoga and that the shame keeps her from ever stepping foot into the classroom again. It’s yoga, so you basically only need the surface area of your mat. If you can’t do pigeon pose without part of your body touching me? YOU’RE TOO CLOSE.
5. I stay out of other people’s religions and keep the little I have to myself as well. But there’s a pretty hefty portion of me that wants to sucker punch the people who insist on telling everyone to “have a blessed day.”
6. Listen to me as I tell you this: Your children are not accelerated. They are not smart. They are developing at an exactly average pace. They are not the only babies that know how to “High-Five”. The fact that they rolled over one week before schedule or started to grasp at the mobile above their head a day early does not mean that their genius will be earning you money for early retirement. They are not cuter than all other babies. Also, their penchant to argue and ignore everything you say? Not precocious. ILL-MANNERED. Sure, you love your kids. You’re supposed to. But continually posting about how much faster they’re progressing than all other children everywhere? Makes you sound like an idiot. Stop it and spend more time parenting.